It happens when you justify the friend who gives you a hole at the last, when you tell you that your partner is only “a little distracted” even if you ignore your needs for weeks, or when you accept a compromise that, after all, makes you tight. It is called cognitive dissonance and is a mental mechanism as subtle as it is widespread. Silent but very powerful, profoundly influences our relationships, even those that we believe most stable.
Cognitive dissonance is that annoying sense of discomfort that we feel when our thoughts and behaviors do not go in the same direction. Like when you eat a steak as you publish a post on animals to save. Or take the lift thinking that the stairs would be healthier.
But this type of conflict does not remain confined to individual choices: it infiltrates our closest ties, modifying perceptions, justifications and emotional dynamics. No relationship is immune: friendships, sentimental relationships, marriages, even toxic relationships, as explained by Paraskevi Noulas, clinical psychologist and professor at the Nyu Langone Health:
Cognitive dissonance can influence any type of bond, for better or for worse.
Cognitive dissonance between friends: when we justify too much (or remember too well)
You have a friend you have known for a lifetime. You met in high school, you told yourself everything, you shared dreams, mistakes and teenage dramas. But now you are no longer the same: the passions have changed, the values too. Still, something keeps you linked to you.
Sometimes, in order not to lose that bond, you may unconsciously adapt your values to his. You no longer love the theater, but continue to support her shows with manual enthusiasm, because “you care about her”. And as long as the balance remains in balance, it works.
But what happens when you feel neglected or disappointed? Imagine that your friend enters the cinema room without expecting you. You are in a row, angry, and ask yourself: “Why didn’t you get the ticket?” Your brain begins to fish in memory all similar episodes, and the conflict is served.
The dissonance here takes shape: on the one hand you love your friend, on the other you feel systematically put aside. And then the crossroads start: the narrative is restructured (“it was a forgetfulness”) or reduce the emotional investment in the relationship.
And no, it is not selfishness: it is a loose psychology. And also a little instinct for self -preservation.
Love and dissonance: compromises, illusions and truths that we choose not to see
In a romantic relationship, things get complicated. We all have an idea (more or less rigid) of those who want next to us: kind, attentive, with values similar to ours. Then it happens that we fall in love with someone who appears two out of ten voices on our list, but makes us laugh, listens to us, and makes us feel special.
And this is where the dissonance begins to work on the sides. “It doesn’t matter if it is not a vegetarian, after all I also miss mozzarella”, “spirituality does not matter so much, come on”.
According to the psychologist Corrine Leikam, we rationalize the negative characteristics to align them with the idea we have of the ideal relationship. Sometimes it is a healthy compromise, emotional flexibility. Other times it is a real self -lusionespecially when it pushes us to ignore worrying signs, such as lack of respect, poor listening or constant disinterest.
In these cases, dissonance becomes one too short blanket: try to warm everything, but something is always discovered. And yes, in the long run he feels.
Marriage and cognitive dissonance: between small sacrifices and renunciations that make too much noise
In marriage, cognitive dissonance is almost a silent roommate. Maybe you start cheering for the partner’s football team (without understanding anything) or stop playing your favorite tool because “there is no longer time”. As long as they are small adaptations, they are part of the game. Love is also this.
But if you begin to give up on important pieces of you – the volunteering that made you feel useful, the group with which you shared ideas – the discomfort grows, and with him the tension between what you are and what you are doing to please the other.
The difference makes the value we attribute to behavior: stop playing ping pong to spend an extra evening with the partner may seem like a sweet sacrifice. But leaving a job that you love because the other “doesn’t like” is completely another story.
Still, a certain dose of dissonance can help couples last. The research of the APA show that those who are satisfied with their marriage tends to give the benefit of doubt: if the partner returns home, one thinks of a bad day, not of an irreversible crisis. A little mental flexibility – the good one – helps to keep the affection alive even when life tests us (and even when it argues on who must bend the laundry).
When cognitive dissonance becomes dangerous: toxic relationships and justifications that hurt
And then there is the most painful side. In abusive relationships, cognitive dissonance stops being a psychological discomfort and becomes a barrier. The abused person feels affection, wishes the relationship to work, and to reduce the inner conflict, minimize abuse. “It was only once”, “it is usually sweet”, “maybe I caused it”.
As Noulas explains:
The mind seeks consistency even when reality shouts the opposite.
The need to save the relationship exceeds to protect yourself. And it is here that dissonance can become a dangerous emotional trap.
For this reason it is essential to learn to recognize this mechanism. Knowing that it exists is the first step to distinguish between what is right to tolerate – and what does not.
Don’t you want to lose our news?
You may also be interested in:
