Let’s face it without too many turns of words: being empathetic does not mean being intrusive, and wanting the good of the other does not authorize you to overwhelm him with unsolicited advice or pearls of wisdom from Baci Perugina.
Who has never happened to? The friend who cries and you start with the classic: “Come on, don’t think about it”. The uncle in crisis receiving a wonderful: “But yes, it’s just a period”. And so on, with strokes of phrases that would make you want to change the planet also in Buddha.
When a loved one is shaken, sad or disturbed, the first impulse is to intervene to console it, perhaps offering a solution or a word of encouragement. But not always what we say, even with the best intentions, comes in the right way. Often, indeed, he risks worsening the situation. Why? Because we start from our point of view, rather than that of the other.
This is where the platinum rule comes into play, a concept as simple as it is revolutionary: “It treats others as they want to be treated”. Not as you would do in their place, but how they feel the need to be listened to, welcomed, respected.
The platinum rule
We are used to the “golden rule” – do others what you would like to be done to you. But when it comes to emotions, suffering, vulnerability, that rule is not enough. Each of us has a different way of living pain. And if we really want to be supported, we must stop projecting our needs on those in front of us.
The Canadian doctor and researcher Harvey Max Chochinov, an expert in palliative care, also explains it, in his study published on Journal of Palliative Medicine In 2022:
When the patient’s experiences and perspectives are devoted from ours, we stop being a reliable meter of measurement to understand his needs.
Hence, the proposal of a new care standard: the Platinum rule. This rule, born in the medical field, is actually applicable in every human relationship. Whether it’s a patient, a friend, a partner or a child, the point is always the same: learning to listen and welcome without judgment, putting aside our ego.
Nine phrases to avoid
Often, by instinct, we pronounce phrases that seem reassuring, but which actually make the other feel not understood, disabled or put aside. Here are nine concrete examples of what Not say, if we really want to help.
- “Don’t worry”
One of the most common, and more harmful phrases. Those who say it do it to cut short. But those who receive it feel silent, almost enticed to react with sarcasm saying: “Right! Why didn’t I think about it before? Now everything is ok”. Result? Worse than before. This sentence minimizes the problem, interrupts the emotional flow and communicates that the other person should feel differently from how he feels. - “A similar thing happened to me too”
Stop. This is not your time. It’s not your TV series. It’s not your outburst. Just listen. When someone vents, he needs to be listened to, not to listen. Telling one’s experience at that moment moves the focus and sounds like an “I too”, instead of a “I am here for you”. - “I understand perfectly how you feel”
No, we can’t know exactly how someone else feels. Similar situations can also be experienced in a very different way. Better to say: “I guess how difficult it can”. - “Try to see the positive side”
A phrase made, which diminishes the pain of the other. It is not the time to philosophize or launch aphorisms: it’s time to be there. - “You will do it, as always”
He wants to be a motivational phrase, but he can play as a way to close the conversation. The other could feel left alone just as he needs support. - “Why are you crying?”
This question, even if apparently harmless, may seem like a judgment. Tears should not be analyzed, but welcomed. Crying is an emotional language, not always translatable. - “Why didn’t you tell me before?”
Really? In the midst of an outburst, do you also want to go through the detective of the lack of confidences? A question that shifts attention to our discomfort, not on his. If the other person has not spoken before, he will have had a reason. This is not the time to investigate. - “You shouldn’t feel like that”
Maybe it’s true, logically. But emotions do not follow logic. To say that “it shouldn’t” feel in a certain way is disabling and can make the other feel wrong. - “Have you tried …?”
The classic error of the “resolver”. Above all, men often fall into this trap: to offer solutions when those who speak only want to be listened to. Ask first if the other wants advice.
What to say instead: a few words, carefully chosen, make the difference
Applying the platinum rule means learning to say less, but saying better. Here are some simple phrases that can really make the other feel visa, welcomed, respected:
And when you don’t know what to say, ask:
Asking sincere questions is an act of profound respect. It means not to assume, not to invade, but to leave room for the other to define one’s need.
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