Sooner or later, that moment comes in every couple. The one in which one of the two – perhaps tired, disappointed or just exasperated – exclaims: “It’s not fair!”. “It’s not right that I always cook”, “It’s not right that he decides everything”, “It’s not right that we only make love when she wants”.
It happens to everyone. It is the moment in which the relationship transforms, in our head, into a scale: on one side what we give, on the other what we receive. Let’s start counting: who does the most? Who puts in the least effort? Who wins? Too bad, surprise, relationships don’t work like an Excel sheet.
What Science Says
A group of Dutch psychologists, Nico W. Van Yperen and Bram P. Buunk, followed over 700 people for years to understand whether the feeling of “justice” really makes a couple happier. The result is as simple as it is uncomfortable: those who feel treated “fairly” are more satisfied, but fairness is not a mathematical equation.
It’s not about who washes the most dishes, who makes the most money, or who has the final say. Justice, in relationships, is made up of less visible but much more important things: attention, presence, empathy and emotional commitment.
In other words, a “right” relationship is not measured in tasks or minutes, but in real presence.
It is no coincidence that the same study underlines that the perception of fairness does not depend on a calculation of duties, but on a subjective balance, which changes with people and over time. Love is not a score game, but a continuous negotiation of spaces, needs and priorities.
The false 50/50 equation
We like to think that love is like splitting a cake in half, but the truth is that a perfect 50/50 doesn’t exist. One is better at managing money, the other at creating emotional connection. One has more energy, the other more calm. The sum always equals one hundred, but the percentages change every day, depending on the stage of life, mood, work or simply the moment.
Claiming to “even the score” is an elegant way to ruin the peace. As the researchers write, a relationship is a puzzle, not a competition. The tiles are not identical, but they fit together because they are different.
When “it’s not right” it becomes a wake-up call
Be careful, though: saying that love isn’t right doesn’t mean accepting anything. In their study, Van Yperen and Buunk found that people who consistently feel disadvantaged—that is, those who give a lot and receive little—end up feeling frustrated, angry, and sad.
Women, in particular, more often report a feeling of “under-rewarding.” Not because they are more sensitive, but because they tend to invest more in caring, listening and the invisible work of the relationship. When this imbalance becomes chronic, it is no longer a question of acceptance, but of emotional tiredness.
For this reason, accepting that not everything is perfectly fair can be good, but ignoring real inequalities slowly wears out the couple. The secret is to distinguish between a natural difference and a structural injustice.
Love is not a scale
Maybe you cook more often, but you do it better and with pleasure. Maybe your partner manages the accounts, but only because he’s better at it. Maybe you want more intimacy, but he or she has a different, equally healthy rhythm.
We are puzzles with unique fits, not two identical halves. The sum remains one hundred, but the distribution changes. Wanting to force a perfect balance is like trying to measure affection with a ruler. The authors of the study say it clearly: the key to a lasting relationship is not symmetry, but the ability to recognize and accept differences without turning them into a tribunal.
Accepting imperfection is the most mature form of love
Seeking perfect equity as a couple is like wanting to divide a cake made of emotions, time and needs exactly in half. Science says it doesn’t work, and life confirms it every day.
Adult love is learning to say: “It’s not always right, but that’s okay.” Because in the difference between two people what keeps them together is often hidden: complementarity. Ultimately, perfect justice is a myth. True happiness comes from feeling seen, respected and loved even when it doesn’t add up.
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