It is possible that children show less than compliant behavior towards adults, responding badly or refusing requests that they consider unfair.
At first glance they seem rude, disrespectful or just plain rude. In reality, many studies on adolescent development show that these behaviors are linked to the profound neurobiological changes that affect the brain in this phase: the prefrontal cortex, i.e. the area responsible for impulse control and emotional regulation, matures slowly, while the emotional systems are hyperactive. The result is an explosive mix that leads the kids to react instinctively, to contest and oppose. However, scientists explain that, within physiological levels, these manifestations are signs of healthy development and represent important foundations for future autonomy and decision-making capacity.
Adolescence is a tough time and if you suddenly no longer recognize the sweet and calm child that your son was, it is more normal than you think. The opposition mechanism that is triggered is not a whim, but a process of differentiation described for decades in developmental psychology: the boy begins to separate emotionally from his parents to assert himself as an individual. This tension, often experienced as conflict, is actually an indicator of identity construction and the transition to greater autonomy, not a lack of education.
What a parent you are
The parenting model has changed significantly over the last 50 years. The authoritarianism of patriarchal society has given way to a more democratic model in which dialogue is preferred rather than imposing rules. If children or adolescents behave in an insolent or sometimes cheeky way, it is precisely because they feel at ease with their parents. They feel loved and accepted and therefore have the peace of mind to show their opinion. On the other hand, boys and girls who experience greater psychological control and who appear more obedient and compliant during adolescence tend to be less successful in their studies or in relationships as adults. This is stated by the longitudinal research of a team of psychologists from Virginia University, who followed the evolution of children from 13 years old to 32 years old,
Often, the respect and complacency of a very polite and obedient child hides a fear of adults. These kids, perhaps a little submissive, need their parents’ approval for their choices. They have less self-esteem and less self-control. They may show disruptive attitudes at school or rejection of authority. They are more likely to suffer from anxiety and other psychological disorders. Often, they have a less than autonomous and satisfying academic life. They are less accepted by their peers and may even have difficulty building healthy, lasting romantic relationships.
Parents who are too authoritarian, therefore, who use punishments and have an educational style based on orders and control, will raise children who are more defenseless and less autonomous. The same goes for those who carry out psychological control by manipulating their children. For example, rewarding behaviors considered positive with love and withdrawing affection when faced with behaviors considered negative.
This does not mean that we need to be too permissive, because even lassaire faire has its negative aspects. This style risks creating tyrant children and parents who are too weak. Research highlights that the style that most guarantees healthy psychological growth is the authoritative style. Authoritative parents establish clear rules and limits, but at the same time are loving and open to dialogue. And yes, they have children who sometimes respond in kind, are irreverent or cheeky! But they are probably also more sincere, autonomous and will have a more satisfying life as adults.
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