It often happens that, in an attempt to console a child, a parent uses words that seem reassuring but which, in reality, end up denying what the child is feeling. According to child therapist Kelsey Mora, children have a deep need to be seen and heard. However, even the most affectionate expressions, if poorly calibrated, can teach them to doubt their own emotions.
This happens not due to a lack of love, but due to an instinctive mechanism that is very widespread among adults: the desire to quickly resolve emotional distress, to immediately calm a cry or an explosion of anger. But when certain phrases are repeated over time, the message that gets to the child is that his feelings are not right, or even that he should repress them to feel loved.
A study published in 2002 in the journal Child Abuse & Neglect by Elizabeth Krause, Tamar Mendelson and Thomas Lynch highlighted that growing up in an environment where emotions are systematically invalidated can lead, in adulthood, to the development of chronic emotional inhibition. This means that the subject will tend to suppress what they feel, with important consequences on anxiety, depression and psychological health.
Ten common phrases that seem harmless, but aren’t
The following sentences are among the most repeated by parents. They are often uttered in good faith, with the intention of reassuring. However, they can have the opposite effect.
- “Are you OK.”
It may seem like a way to calm, but it often amounts to denying what the child feels. A more empathetic response might be, “I understand that it hurts, but you’re safe,” which acknowledges the emotion without dramatizing it. - “It’s not a big deal.”
Downplaying what the child is experiencing doesn’t help him feel better. Even a small frustration can be enormous for him. Better to say: “It seems difficult for you, do you want to tell me how you feel?” - “Don’t cry.”
Crying is not a sign of weakness, but a way to process emotions. Replacing it with “It’s okay to cry, I’m here with you” helps the child not to be ashamed of his own fragility. - “Don’t get angry.”
Anger is one of the fundamental emotions, not a mistake to be corrected. Saying “I understand that you are angry” promotes healthy management of what you feel. - “There are those who are worse off.”
An implicit invitation not to complain, but the result is that the child feels wrong for feeling pain. Gratitude does not arise from comparison, but from respect for what you feel. - “Everyone else is fine.”
It pushes the child to question his own sensitivity. It is more useful to remind him that “Everyone perceives things differently”, thus normalizing his experience. - “You have to be strong.”
Behind this encouragement lies the idea that strength coincides with the absence of visible emotions. In reality, accepting vulnerability is part of growth. - “Stop being such a baby.”
It is a humiliating phrase, which makes the child ashamed of who he is. Every emotion must be respected, because it is part of its development process. - “There is nothing to fear.”
Saying the fear is unfounded doesn’t make it go away. A more helpful response is: “I understand you’re scared. I’m here with you, let’s face it together.” - “You get angry for nothing.”
A sentence that minimizes and completely invalidates the child’s experience. Even if the adult does not understand the reason for the anger, for the child that feeling is real and must be respected.
Validating your children’s emotions doesn’t mean spoiling them
We often fear that welcoming children’s emotions could mean “indulging” them or making them more fragile. But the opposite is true: recognizing what they feel teaches them to name their feelings, developing what psychologists call emotional intelligence.
Numerous studies show that children who learn to recognize and manage emotions become more resilient, less anxious and more socially competent adults. You don’t need to be perfect parents, but attentive parents: those who stop before saying “it’s nothing” and choose to really listen.
Sometimes, a look, a pause, a different phrase is enough to say: “What you feel is important. I am with you.”
You might also be interested in:
