Being a parent is a job without a manual, but new research conducted in Hong Kong reminds us how words – especially those full of criticism and unrealistic expectations – can leave a profound mark on children. According to a study published in the International Journal of Behavioral Development, the way in which parents express their perfectionism directly influences children’s ability to forgive, and consequently, their relational skills.
When “loving” becomes “expecting too much”
The scholars analyzed 226 families with children aged around 4 years, observing them for over a year. The result is clear:
Psychologists talk about a “knock-on” effect: constant criticism undermines self-esteem and emotional security, fundamental elements for developing empathy and understanding towards others.
In short: if a child grows up continually feeling “wrong”, he will have a much harder time forgiving, even himself.
The power of forgiveness in the early years of life
Forgiveness is not just a spiritual virtue, but a crucial emotional skill. Learning to let go of resentment helps children manage conflicts, develop empathy, listening and social resilience.
In a world where children spend more time in front of screens and less in face-to-face play, these skills become even more valuable: they are the invisible glue that holds mental health and future relationships together.
And this is where parents, true role models, come into play.
Those who know how to apologize, listen and accept mistakes with patience, show their children that love is not a competition, but a language made of mutual respect and trust.
Those who, however, use criticism as an educational tool, risk teaching the opposite: that to be loved you have to be perfect.
The researchers – including Sum Kwing Cheung, Bertha HC Kum and Rebecca YM Cheung – built a statistical model to explain this domino effect. The result is unequivocal: “good” perfectionism fuels forgiveness, which in turn improves relationships, while “negative” perfectionism destroys them, going unnoticed in everyday life.
As the authors summarize:
Different ways of expressing high expectations generate completely opposite developmental outcomes. It is essential that fathers and mothers learn to communicate effectively to promote the emotional growth of their children.
Basically, you don’t need perfect parents. We need parents who are present, authentic and willing to forgive — even themselves.
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