A dishwasher loaded the wrong way, a message read without a response, a romantic surprise that is nothing like the one imagined. In some relationships it doesn’t take much for the partner to find himself under scrutiny, with a list of requirements to satisfy and a practically daily evaluation. An Italian study conducted on 455 adults identified an association between this tendency, called other-oriented perfectionism, and the stress experienced within the couple. Social media also seems to be involved in the matter.
The research, published on Psychological Reportsbears the signature of six scholars from the Federico II University of Naples and the Luigi Vanvitelli University of Campania: Anna Lisa Amodeo, Veronica Giaquinto, Federica Reginelli, Camilla Esposito, Erica De Alfieri and Miriam Belluzzo. The researchers examined the relationship between perfectionistic expectations aimed at the partner, use of social networks and relationship stress. The results show that these elements are connected, although determining who feeds what is decidedly more complicated.
When the partner becomes a project to be perfected
In psychology it is called other-oriented perfectionismor other-oriented perfectionism. It is the tendency to demand very high standards from the people around us, expecting them to meet them with almost surgical precision. In love life it can take on rather common forms. You want a partner who is affectionate, but also independent. Romantic, as long as it’s not too corny. Present, without being intrusive. Capable of taking initiatives, as long as they are exactly the ones we would have taken. Practically a custom-built human being, possibly equipped with an instruction booklet and automatic updates.
The problem comes when these expectations become so rigid that they transform every character difference into a flaw to be corrected. A person may be thoughtful without liking grand declarations of love, or demonstrate affection through practical gestures rather than romantic words. Yet, those who have a very precise model of relationship can interpret these differences as shortcomings.
Let’s think, for example, of those who consider it essential to receive a good morning message every morning. For some it is an affectionate habit, for others a rather useless formality. So far, nothing dramatic. The matter becomes complicated when the message becomes a daily proof of love and forgetting it is equivalent to being dragged before the tribunal of feelings.
In the Italian sample examined by the researchers, higher levels of perfectionism aimed at others were associated with greater stress in the relationship. An association that suggests how tiring it can become to continually measure your loved one’s behavior against an ideal.
Of course, having expectations is legitimate. Asking for respect, loyalty when agreed, reciprocity or an equal division of household responsibilities does not mean being a perfectionist. If a person systematically leaves all the chores to their partner, the problem is unlikely to be the excessive precision with which the latter would like to see the towels folded. The perfectionism studied by the researchers concerns the rigidity of the standards imposed on others, even when these deviate from concrete needs or shared agreements.
Everyone on social media is in love. Then there is real life
The research identified another interesting element: the use of social media. Participants with higher levels of other-oriented perfectionism also tended to report greater social media use. The latter was in turn associated with higher levels of stress in the relationship.
Statistical analysis showed a partial mediation: part of the association between perfectionism and stress was linked to the use of social media, while there also remained a direct association between perfectionistic expectations and relational distress. And here it comes naturally to think of the collection of seemingly impeccable couples that populate Instagram and TikTok.
There are those who receive bouquets of roses the size of a small car, those who are surprised with a holiday in the Maldives, those who publish photographs of breakfasts prepared with love and accompanied by romantic notes. All perfectly lit, of course. Then you turn off your smartphone and go back to your kitchen, where your partner forgot to buy milk. Again.
The comparison risks being merciless, especially when we forget that we mainly know about other people’s relationships what is chosen to be shown. The photographs tell of the candlelit dinner, hardly the discussion that took place half an hour earlier to decide who should take out the rubbish.
This is a possible key to understanding the phenomenon, not a dynamic demonstrated by the study. The researchers analyzed the use of social media, without verifying what content was observed by the participants or how much they compared it with the couples represented online. The findings, however, suggest that the digital environment deserves attention when studying perfectionistic expectations in romantic relationships.
On the other hand, comparing one’s daily life with the carefully selected version of other people’s lives means using two rather different yardsticks. One includes bills, bad days and abandoned socks on the floor. The other also features a Valencia filter.
What the Italian researchers discovered
The study involved 455 Italian adults aged between 19 and 65, through an online questionnaire distributed with a chain recruitment system, in which participants were reached through networks of contacts. The researchers analyzed the associations between perfectionism aimed at others, use of social media and relational stress, also considering age, gender, duration of the relationship, level of education and sexual orientation.
Some interesting differences emerged. Age and relationship length were associated with social media use, while gender and relationship length were associated with relationship stress. Education level and sexual orientation, however, did not have statistically significant associations with stress in the model used.
It should be considered that the research collected the responses of individual participants, without systematically examining both members of the couple. Furthermore, the sample was not selected to statistically represent the entire Italian population. The associations found do not even demonstrate a cause and effect relationship. Perfectionism could contribute to stress, but an already stressful relationship could also influence individual expectations. Further research will be needed to clarify these dynamics.
Loving someone also means accepting that they don’t look like you
That perfectionism can weigh on sentimental satisfaction had already emerged in previous research. In 2012, psychologist Joachim Stoeber conducted a study on 58 couples, published in Personality and Individual Differencesinvolving a total of 116 participants.
The results showed that expecting perfectionistic standards from the partner was associated with lower personal satisfaction in the relationship and lower perceived commitment in the long term. Feeling subjected to the other person’s perfectionistic expectations was also linked to lower romantic satisfaction. Expectations, therefore, can weigh on both: on those who formulate them and on those who must continually try to satisfy them.
Let’s think about the small habits of living together. There are those who consider it romantic to organize everything together and those who prefer to maintain some individual space. Those who love receiving gifts and those who are sincerely convinced that giving a new vacuum cleaner is a thoughtful gesture. Questionable opinion, of course, but worthy of at least a discussion before starting the separation procedures.
The way we show affection may be different from what we would like to receive. Knowing these differences allows you to talk about them, negotiate and reach compromises. Expecting them to disappear can transform the relationship into a long sequence of unfulfilled expectations.
However, there is a fundamental distinction between accepting the other person’s defects and justifying behaviors that cause suffering. The first thing is part of the normal complexity of human relationships. The second risks transforming understanding into a constant renunciation of one’s own needs.
No research on perfectionism suggests that you put up with disrespect or harmful attitudes to demonstrate that you are a balanced partner. A romantic relationship requires reciprocity, but also the ability to recognize that the other person has desires, habits and characteristics that are different from ours. And that these differences, when they do not compromise mutual respect and agreements, can easily remain so.
The Italian study suggests that continually demanding perfection is associated with a greater load of stress. Perhaps it can be useful to remember this before turning every small mistake into a trial of intentions. Also because finding a person compatible with us can already be complicated enough. Expecting it to be perfect, possibly with the exact same instructions for use as ours, further narrows the choice. And humans, unfortunately, do not provide free returns.
