Do you have the terror of stable and fleeing relationships when things get serious? You could suffer from fear of commitment: all signals to recognize it and the practical advice to face it
You have ever felt like a vague sense of suffocation every time someone pronounces the words future, cohabitation or even worse forever? Do you find yourself experiencing stories that seem to have an already written expiry date and, as soon as things are serious, run faster than a cat that has seen a cucumber?
If you replied Yes To at least one of these questions, there is a possibility (not so remote) that you suffer from fear of commitment. But do not panic: you are not the only human being to whom the idea of stability has the same effect as a contract with clauses written in microscopic font.
How to understand if you are afraid of commitment
The fear of commitment does not come with a notification on the phone, unfortunately. But there are unequivocal signals:
- You feel comfortable only in the stories that have no concrete perspectives (read: impossible relationships, emotionally not available partners, distance stories that “who knows if they will ever work”).
- If someone hints at the idea of a future together, your brain goes into “security exit” mode.
- You often find yourself thinking: “What if there was something better there?”as if you were choosing a movie on Netflix and be afraid of clicking on the wrong one.
- When you start to feel deep feelings, you find flaws in the other person so quickly that not even Sherlock Holmes.
- You have a paralyzing fear of “forever”, even if it is just a matter of choosing the color of the curtains for the house.
If you recognize yourself in this description, maybe it’s time to stop telling you that “You are only very selective” And start asking you why the idea of a stable bond terrifies you more than one bill at the end of the month.
Where does the fear of commitment come from?
Spoiler: it’s not that one day you woke up and you decided to become the Olympic champion of Mollo-all-and-Casca. Usually, behind this fear there are deeper motivations, like:
- Past experiences not exactly dreamylike badly finished stories, betrayals, disappointments that have left a nice Thanks, but also not printed in the heart.
- Not very reassuring family modelswith parents who argued more than two cats in love or toxic relationships seen too close.
- Fear of losing one’s freedomas if love was a prison and not an experience to share.
- Shaky self -esteemwhich leads you to think that you are not enough for a real relationship, or that nobody will ever be enough for you.
Ok, what do you do?
If you think you are a serial fugitive of relationships, the first thing to do is stop and look inside. I know, it’s not easy. But not even continuing to escape from any possibility of building something beautiful is.
Here are some tips not to be trapped in your own fear:
- Make peace with your past. If you have had bad experiences, face once and for all, perhaps with a little healthy therapy (spoiler: going to the psychologist is intelligent).
- Stop looking for the perfect partner. The perfect relationship does not exist, as people do not exist without defects. If you continue to find excuses to give up everything, perhaps the problem is not the other, but your fear of staying.
- He faces the future in small steps. Nobody is asking you to get married tomorrow. Learn to live the present without making you come an existential anxiety every time someone asks you “What programs do you have for the weekend?”.
- Communicate. If a relationship scares you, talk about it. Sometimes, the simple fact of sharing your anxieties with your partner can help you understand that you are not alone in this war against feelings.
- Remember that committing does not mean getting lost. Being in pairs does not mean canceling. If you think the commitment is synonymous with captivity, perhaps it is appropriate to redefine the concept of love.
Ultimately, the fear of commitment is not a condemnation, but an obstacle that you can overcome. Maybe with a little work on yourself and, why not, with someone who has the patience to stay while you learn not to escape anymore.
And if you really can’t … well, at least stop complaining that “you never find anyone who understands you”.
