In the daily work of Ray Swann, university professor and expert mental health researcher, the question that always comes back is the same: how do you protect children when technology becomes a constant, irresistible presence capable of influencing even their identity? More and more children experience the telephone as a gateway to friends, games and immediate humour. That spontaneous laughter that once shortened the distances between people today seems filtered by a display, as if real contact had given way to an automatic gesture on the screen.
Swann says that many parents describe their children’s bond with the telephone in an almost disturbing way, an attachment that recalls Gollum’s dependence on his “treasure”. The question, then, stops being provocative and opens up a deeper one: what happens to a child when he begins to shape himself through what he has in his hands and not through the people around him?
Technology is not a primary need
According to Swann, the real distortion is exactly this: technology is creeping in among basic needs, as if it were as indispensable as sleep, food or affection. It is not, obviously, but the great digital giants have refined tools capable of intercepting and exploiting our most instinctive needs. The result is a childhood that risks growing up convinced that it cannot define itself without an active connection.
It is often said that “the genie has come out of the bottle” and that now there is nothing left to do but resign. In reality, the issue is no longer a moral alarm, but a generational challenge. Understanding how technology shapes childhood also means deciding what kind of adults these kids will be in ten, twenty or thirty years.
Swann offers some strategies that can help you regain balance. They are not magical solutions, but daily practices that are built starting from a simple and constant dialogue. Talking to children before problems emerge is essential, because rules never work if they are imposed suddenly. It’s like taking care of a garden: you need attention, care and the ability to immediately recognize what risks suffocating the rest.
From this listening work comes the possibility of establishing clear limits. Boundaries, when they are fair and applied without rigidity, teach children that the world does not always bend to their desires. And they teach that a “no” can be a form of protection, not a punishment. Swann insists on the need to avoid completely free devices for the little ones and considers a simple rule essential: no phones in the bedroom during the night. There is no need to discuss it every time: it is a protection, not a restriction.
However, many parents, in an attempt to be understanding, lose the habit of saying no. Doing it kindly, explaining the rule without turning it into a tug of war, is more effective than escalating the discussion. In some moments, even partial agreement can help: recognizing the child’s emotion without changing the decision allows you to reduce the conflict and keep the limit firm. Sometimes, louder reactions, like snorting, rolling eyes, or slamming doors, are just background noise. The real issue is the rule, not the momentary outburst.
When something goes wrong, curiosity becomes a valuable tool. Asking “tell me more about what happened” helps children to put their thoughts in order and to give a name to their emotions. It’s a way to help them interpret what they encounter online, whether it’s scary content or unclear behavior from a peer. Swann offers the WIN model – what’s happening, what impact it has, what step is needed now – as a simple method for teaching kids to reflect and make more informed decisions.
The waves of the digital world may seem overwhelming, but we are not condemned to be carried away. Recovering dialogue, maintaining balanced rules and offering concrete tools to deal with unexpected events means building a solid anchor in an era of constant distractions. It’s not about demonizing technology, but about giving back to childhood what no device can replace: the possibility of growing up feeling seen, heard and accompanied.
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