We write “let me know if you need anything” and it feels like we’ve opened a door. On the other hand, however, there is a person who, in order to cross it, must understand what he needs, decide what to ask, expose himself, ask himself if he is disturbing and finally contact us. A nice process, just when energy can be low. Psychologist Marisa Franco, who teaches courses on friendship and solitude at the University of Maryland, suggests replacing the generic offer with something much more concrete.
“Shall I bring you something to eat?”, “Can I go shopping?”, “Do you want me to come and pick up the kids for a couple of hours?”. Little poetry, much more utility. And research on grief seems to prove her right: a study published in PLOS ONE found that the people interviewed especially appreciated those who came forward directly, even with phone calls, messages and small practical help, instead of leaving it up to them to ask.
The “let me know” problem is everything that comes after that
The study by Joanne Cacciatore and colleagues involved 372 people who had experienced traumatic bereavement. The sample was very specific: more than 91% were women, more than 91% were white, and three out of four participants had lost a child. The results, therefore, cannot be automatically transferred to any person in difficulty. Within that group, however, the message was quite clear.
Among the actions considered useful were bringing food, taking care of children, helping with cleaning or with daily chores. The authors also explicitly focus on the classic “call me if you need”: without a concrete follow-up it risks remaining an elegant and not very operational formula. The participants preferred that others contacted them and offered specific help.
There is also a subtle difference between offering help and barging into other people’s lives with the efficiency of a moving company. A concrete proposal still leaves you with a choice: “Can I bring you dinner this evening?” allows you to answer yes or no. “I’ve decided that I’ll fix your house today” could add a problem to those already present.
“Don’t cry” and “you must be strong” above all make those who say them feel better
When someone cries, the temptation to stop them comes almost automatically: “Don’t cry”, “come on, try to be strong”. They are sentences often born with good intentions, only they already contain an instruction on what emotion it would be acceptable to show.
In the study on support after traumatic bereavement, the most appreciated emotional support had much less spectacular characteristics: listening, accepting the person’s emotional state, allowing them to express the pain without immediately trying to fix it. On the contrary, judging the grief, speeding it up with casual phrases or dispensing unsolicited advice appeared among the behaviors perceived as not very useful.
Also a study published in Journal of Personality and Social Psychologyacross different samples and methods, found an association between greater acceptance of one’s emotional experiences and better psychological health. It doesn’t mean that “accepting emotions” is enough to overcome bereavement or depression. It means more modestly that adding judgment to the emotion already present is unlikely to lighten the load.
An answer can be much simpler: “I understand that today is terrible”, “You can cry, I’m staying here”, or even silence. We don’t have to have a memorable phrase ready for every misfortune. Sometimes it would already be good progress to stop looking for it.
Even pain doesn’t have an expiration date
Another seemingly pragmatic phrase is “you have to move on,” with its slightly more brutal variant: “I thought you were over it.” The problem is that reactions to highly stressful events follow very different trajectories.
A review of 54 studies on the consequences of potentially traumatic events found multiple possible pathways over time: many people maintain or recover good balance, others go through persistent difficulties, and in some cases symptoms may appear later. There is therefore no universal chronometer with which to establish when a person “should” feel better.
In mourning this rush can become particularly unpleasant. In the research by Cacciatore and colleagues, about half of those who answered the question on how they would like to be supported asked for more emotional support: listening, presence, the possibility of remembering the dead person and above all the absence of an externally imposed timetable.
The most useful phrase may come a week later
Then there is silence. It also happens out of embarrassment: we fear saying something wrong, so we say nothing. Three days pass, then a week and reappearing becomes even more difficult.
Spontaneous contact emerges as one of the gestures most appreciated by the people interviewed in the study on traumatic mourning. 29% of those who responded to the question of how others could have helped better indicated a desire to be contacted more often. Perfect speeches were not needed: a phone call, a message, someone who remembered was enough.
Research on bereavement of a friend points in the same direction. A longitudinal study published in PLOS ONE of over 26,000 people, of whom 9,586 had lost at least one close friend, it found consequences on well-being that in some cases persisted for years and an important role for social connection. It’s another reason why presence shouldn’t dry up in the first few days, when the phone rings and the refrigerator overflows with baking sheets.
You can simply write: “I was thinking of you. How are you today?” Or go back to the practical version: “I’ll stop by the supermarket tomorrow, do you need anything?”. Being helpful to a friend who is ill requires fewer perfect formulas and a few more gestures. “Let me know if you need anything” leaves the door open. Every now and then it’s also a good idea to knock.
