Have you ever felt behind in life? Have you ever looked at others and thought you were left behind, as if you were wasting time or opportunities? If the answer is yes, Japan has an ancient but extraordinarily current concept that could change your perspective: oubaitori. Four flowers, four trees, four different times to bloom. No race, no comparison. Only uniqueness, acceptance, authenticity.
Oubaitori: the Japanese word that breaks down the logic of comparison
Oubaitori (桜梅桃李) is a word composed of four ideograms, each of which represents a flowering tree: sakura (cherry), ume (plum), momo (peach) and ri (apricot). They all bloom in spring, but they do so at different times, with different colors, shapes and scents. No one rushes to surpass the other, no one judges himself for having flourished before or after. Yet, they all make the landscape more beautiful.
In this, oubaitori reminds us that every person is like one of those flowers: he has his own times, his own season, his own path. And there’s nothing wrong with not yet being where others already seem to be.
In Japanese culture, this word is used to express respect for people’s natural rhythm. It is an invitation not to judge oneself for what has not yet been achieved, not to live in a hurry, and to recognize the value of one’s own history, even when it does not coincide with society’s expectations.
When judgment comes from those who love you (or from yourself)
It will have happened to you at least once in your life: a Christmas dinner, an exchange at the table, the classic uncomfortable question from a relative you see once a year:
“And the boyfriend/girlfriend?”
“What about the degree/job?”
“When will you decide to start a family?”
Comparison is often disguised as affection or concern. But the subtext is clear: you’re late, you’re doing something wrong, the others made it and you didn’t. That aunt, symbolic or real, ends up representing the judging voice that lives in many of us. A voice also fueled by what we see every day on social media: perfect lives, happy couples, goals achieved in record time.
But the truth is another: that voice often lies. He lies when he tells you that happiness has an expiration date. He lies when he makes you believe that your worth depends on a list of goals completed by the age of thirty. And he lies when he makes you feel like a failure just because your bloom comes later.
Delay is just another form of flowering
We live in a system that teaches us from an early age that there are right ages for everything: graduating at 23, working by 25, getting married by 30, having children before 35. Every deviation from this “roadmap” is seen as a failure. Yet, real life is much more complex.
“If I’m not in a serious relationship yet, am I wrong?”
“If I don’t have a child at 40, have I wasted my time?”
“If I change career at 50, have I failed?”
The answer is no. Take for example Andrea Camilleri, who published his first bestseller at 70 years old. Or many people who, after an initial part of their life spent satisfying external expectations, only find the strength to truly follow themselves in adulthood.
Science also confirms: those who marry late often have greater self-awareness, more stable relationships and less conditioned by social pressures. The point is not when things are done, but how authentic and aligned they are with who we are.
Comparing poisons us
According to research conducted by the Florida House Experience, 27% of women compare themselves to others on a daily basis. And among adolescents, this percentage is close to 88%. Social media plays a huge role: Instagram and TikTok show constructed, hyper-edited, idealized lives. Yet, the brain interprets them as reality.
The comparison, however, does not stop at the body. It also poisons our life choices, work ambitions, and the time dedicated to relationships. In a similar context, oubaitori becomes a true cultural antidote: it takes us back to nature, where no flower apologizes for blooming late, and no tree tries to imitate another to be accepted.
Living according to the oubaitori
Adopting the principle of oubaitori in everyday life does not mean moving to a Zen temple. These are small practices, simple but transformative:
And, above all, remember every day that there is no “right” time to flourish. Your time is when you are ready. And it doesn’t have to coincide with that of others.
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