“Always do your head!”, “You never care about anything!”, “You are just a problem!”. Thus phrases, unfortunately, are common in many houses. And it is not difficult to understand the reason: adolescence is a period of shocks, of inner revolutions, of distances that are created between parents and children. The parents feel set aside, the boys do not feel understood.
And so the dialogue cracks, the misunderstandings grow, and the blame – that is, giving the blame, accusing it, judging – becomes the most used shortcut. But this shortcut can do huge damageboth to the relationship with children and to their emotional growth.
The blame, in fact, is not only a impulsive reaction. Is a way of communicating that hurts: It can humiliate, mortify, generate distrust. And if it turns into habit, it can wear the parent-child relationship in a silent but profound way.
Labels, insults, sarcasm: the words that destroy self -esteem (and how to avoid them)
One of the most toxic forms of blame is theuse of labelsthe so -called Name-Calling: “You are lazy”, “You are a failure”, “you are useless”. Words called perhaps in a moment of anger, but that arrive straight inside and remain there, for a long time. Especially if they come from a parent – The most important person in a teenager’s life.
And we don’t say it just for sensitivity. Science says it. According to the American Psychological Associationa guilty or humiliating language, if used frequently in the family, can significantly increase the risk that a teenager develops anxiety, depression and oppositional behaviors.
The data confirm this: those who grow in an environment where the judgment prevails have more difficulty building confidence in themselves and in others. Those who are listened to, including, and see their emotions recognized, develop more easily Resilience, autonomy and a sense of responsibility.
The psychologist had already understood this in the 1960s Thomas Gordonfather of non -violent communication between parents and children. Gordon proposed a simple but revolutionary turning point: stop saying “You are …” and start saying “I feel …”.
So, instead of downloading anger and judgment with phrases like “you are irresponsible”, a parent can say:
When you came back late and didn’t call myself, I worried. I started thinking that something could have happened to you.
Simple, right? Yet everything changes. Because in this way, but a feeling is expressed. There is room for confrontation, not to the conflict. The relationship is protected, instead of wearing it.
What development psychology says: a good parent is not perfect, but aware
Research in the psychological field are clear. Second Diana Baumrindexpert in educational styles, children raised with “authoritarian” parents – those who impose rules without listening – tend to be more anxious, insecure and conflicting. On the contrary, the children of “authoritative” parents – those who give rules but also listen and warmth – develop better social skills, greater autonomy and more self -confidence.
Also John Gottmanfamous American psychologist, has studied the link between emotional education and personal development for years. His research shows that children (and young people) live in families where Emotions are accepted, not judgedhave more tools to face stress, frustrations and complex relationships.
Finally, a study of Joseph Allenconducted with teenagers and parents, revealed another important fact: when the parents allow children to express themselves without fear of judgmentthe sense of identity and mutual trust is strengthened. On the contrary, when the boy feels constantly criticized, he can choose silence or rebellion.
So, no: there are no screams, labels or sarcasm to be heard. Instead you need one affective, coherent and respectful presence. It is necessary to communicate better. And every parent can learn to do it.
