Positive advice given by a friend already in a relationship can increase our interest in a possible partner. A negative opinion expressed by a single friend, however, can push us to reconsider the choice with particular determination. This difference was observed by a group of Chinese researchers who involved 66 pairs of adult friends, studying how romantic advice influences the decisions and even the brain activity of those who exchange it. The research, published on Communications Biologyalso identified a curious phenomenon: while two friends discuss a possible romantic choice, some regions of their brains can show synchronized activity.
Let’s think about a rather common situation. We know someone, we go out a couple of times, maybe we even like them a lot. Then comes the time to tell everything to your trusted friend. We tell him how he behaved, what he told us about his life, how much he made us laugh. Maybe we even show him some messages, because a sentimental investigation without documentary evidence now seems incomplete.
The friend listens, reflects and pronounces the sentence: “In my opinion you should give him a chance”. Or: “Look, I would leave it alone”. We may be convinced that we already have very clear ideas, but those words could change our evaluation. And according to researchers, even the sentimental situation of those who advise us can make a difference.
The advice of a single friend may have a different weight than that of an engaged friend
Researchers from the North China University of Science and Technology, together with colleagues from other Chinese institutes, involved 132 adults divided into 66 pairs of friends, 33 of which were women. During the experiment, participants faced a task of choosing potential partners, faced with favorable or unfavorable advice. The researchers observed how initial intentions changed after listening to the other person’s opinion.
An interesting difference emerged: Positive advice from friends already in a relationship increased the intention to choose a potential partner. In contrast, the negative judgments of single friends exerted a particularly strong influence on decisions.
Let’s imagine two friends listening to the story of the same date. The first, happily engaged, comments: “She seems like an interesting person, why don’t you try to get to know her better?”. The second, who has been single for some time, observes: “It may be interesting, but some of the things you tell me leave me perplexed.” These are everyday examples, of course, and not actual dialogue recorded during the experiment. However, they serve to understand the difference identified by the researchers.
It would be funny to conclude that engaged friends are naturally more optimistic and single friends have developed an infallible radar for recognizing people to avoid. It’s a shame that the study doesn’t demonstrate at all a greater ability of judgment of one or the other.
The scientists measured how much the advice changed participants’ intentions, without checking whether those opinions were right or wrong. An important detail, especially for those who have the habit of dispensing sentimental advice with the certainty of a judge of the Court of Cassation.
When we talk about love with a friend, our brains can synchronize
The most surprising part of the research concerns what happens in the brain during these conversations. To study it, scientists used a technique called fNIRS hyperscanningwhich allows the brain activity of two people to be simultaneously recorded by measuring changes in blood oxygenation in some superficial regions of the brain.
This way they could observe what happened as their friends interacted, rather than simply asking them what advice they found most convincing. The results showed greater synchronization of brain activity in two particularly interesting areas.
The first is the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex, also involved in risk assessment and decision-making processes. The second includes some temporal regions of the left hemisphere, associated with the processing of language and the meaning of information. This greater synchrony was detected both during the positive advice of friends who were already romantically involved, and during the negative advice of single friends.
According to the authors, in the former cases greater emotional sharing could come into play, while in the latter a reassessment of risks could prevail. Be careful, because brain synchronization does not mean telepathy. Our friend cannot transfer his thoughts to us simply by looking us in the eyes, nor control our decisions with particularly convincing advice.
The researchers observed a correspondence in the pattern of some brain signals during the interaction. This phenomenon may accompany communication and shared information processing, but alone does not demonstrate that synchronization causes the change of opinion.
When we ask for advice, our reactions also influence the conversation
There is another interesting result, perhaps the one closest to our daily experiences. The researchers compared several mathematical models to understand how participants integrated the recommendations into their decisions. The one that best explained the observed behaviors was a bidirectional model, called Social Information Processing (SIP). In essence, social influence appeared to develop through a mutual exchange of information, rather than through the simple transmission of an opinion from one person to another.
After all, let’s think about how our romantic conversations really work. We talk about an appointment, someone points out a detail that we had overlooked and we respond by explaining why that behavior seemed harmless or annoying to us. The friend listens to our response, adds a consideration, we rethink the situation.
Sometimes it even happens that, while we try to convince someone that a person is wonderful, we end up realizing that we are the first to have some doubts. The mathematical model that best suited the data suggests the importance of this interaction. The rating can be updated as people communicate, through a more complex process than simply “you told me to let it go so I’ll let it go.”
The researchers also used machine learning techniques to analyze the relationship between brain synchronization and the influence of recommendations. The results indicate that the signals recorded during the task allowed us to predict the overall weight of the opinions in the observed evaluations. Of course, we are still far from using a brain recording to understand whether someone will follow their friend’s advice or return on time to the person they promised to forget.
How much should we listen to friends when choosing a partner?
The research offers an interesting explanation of some mechanisms through which people influence each other, but it must be remembered that the results come from an experiment conducted under controlled conditions. Evaluating a potential partner during an experimental task is different from deciding whether to start, continue, or end a real relationship.
In everyday life we have much more information available: we know the person’s behavior over time, their habits, the way they deal with difficulties and how they treat others. Our previous experiences, expectations and, of course, feelings also come into play.
The study doesn’t determine how many people permanently change partners after receiving advice, nor whether listening to friends leads to better relationships. However, it shows that their opinions can change our evaluations and that the way we interact helps explain this influence.
Perhaps, then, we should also pay attention to how we react when someone offers us an opinion we didn’t want to hear. If we rush to justify every behavior of the person we are dating, or we suddenly find ourselves agreeing with a criticism, we may have found some clues to our own doubts. Of course this doesn’t mean delegating our sentimental choices to friends. Also because, knowing certain group chats, we would end up transforming every appointment into a condominium meeting complete with voting.
The study doesn’t tell us who is right between the engaged friend and the single friend. Rather, it shows us that when we ask for advice we may be less sure of our decision than we think. Even when we start the phone call with the solemn: “Look, I’ve already decided anyway.” And then we stay on the phone for an hour.
