The rent to pay, a bill that is higher than expected, the current account that dwindles while there are still ten days left until the salary. Financial worries have a bad habit: they follow us even when we close the door. And sometimes they end up turning into arguments with the person next to us. According to a University of Florida study conducted on 84 unmarried US couples, feeling emotionally supported by your partner could help contain these tensions. However, there is an interesting detail: immediately seeking a practical solution to the economic problem does not seem to offer the same protection.
On the other hand, when someone confesses to us that they are afraid of not making ends meet, the temptation to transform ourselves into financial advisors is strong. The repertoire starts immediately: “You should save on this”, “Have you tried doing that?”, “Me instead of you…”. Perhaps sensible, even useful advice. It’s a shame that those in front of us may need, at least for a few minutes, to finish a sentence without receiving a recovery plan.
It is a dynamic that psychologists Zhongchi Li and Gregory D. Webster tried to explore in depth in the study published in the scientific journal Personal Relationshipsanalyzing how economic stress affects the relationship and which forms of support are associated with less tension between partners.
When economic problems end up becoming relationship problems
The researchers involved 168 people, belonging to 84 couples. Everyone filled out an initial questionnaire about their financial worries, romantic tensions and the support they received from their partner. Then, for seven days, both continued to answer daily questions about their stress levels.
An association emerged from the first responses: those who declared greater economic worries also tended to report more tension in the relationship. And one person’s financial stress was also associated with the other’s reported romantic difficulties.
Psychologists talk about spilloverwhen a concern born in one area of life ends up weighing on another, and of crossoverswhen the tension also involves those around us. In less academic terms, we can spend a day worrying about an unexpected expense, come home nervous and find ourselves arguing about who should go to the supermarket. The supermarket, poor thing, just happened to be at the wrong time.
Of course, this is an example, not a scene observed by researchers. However, the data shows that financial stress and relationship tension tended to vary together during the week, especially in couples who had already declared greater romantic difficulties at the beginning of the study.
The partner does not have to become a financial advisor
The researchers compared two ways of dealing with financial difficulties together with your partner. The first concerns emotional support: listening, reassuring, showing understanding and closeness. The second is oriented towards the practical resolution of the problem, therefore proposing strategies, suggesting changes and looking for possible solutions.
In initial questionnaires, people who perceived greater emotional support showed a weaker association between financial stress and relationship strain. Strategies focused on practical solutions, however, did not show the same protective effect. In some analyses, they were even associated with a greater impact of financial stress on love life.
And here one of our most curious habits comes into play: we are often much quicker to identify other people’s mistakes than to recognize our own. Especially when it comes to money. We can discuss our partner’s unused subscription for half an hour, casually forgetting about our impulse purchases. The family budget, evidently, is always easier to settle starting from other people’s expenses.
But there’s also something less fun. When a person expresses a concern, immediately receiving advice can make them feel unheard, even if the person offering it has the best intentions.
The study did not directly test this possible reaction, nor does it demonstrate that the advice provokes discussions. The result rather indicates that, among the couples observed, perceived emotional support was associated with a lower transmission of economic stress to the relationship. According to Zhongchi Li, showing understanding, attention and availability could therefore be particularly important in times of financial difficulty.
This, of course, does not make practical solutions useless. If there are debts to pay or expenses to reduce, someone has to take care of them. Possibly both, if the problem affects both. The difference also lies in the way in which the issue is addressed, without transforming every confidence into an evaluation of the other’s economic capabilities.
Seven days are not enough to know all the difficulties of a couple
Before distributing this research as a sentimental survival manual, however, it is necessary to consider its limits: we are still talking about 84 unmarried American couples, followed for just seven days through questionnaires. Emotional support is associated with a lower impact of economic stress on the relationship. From here to arguing that it is enough to listen to each other to argue less, however, we can’t go far.
The same authors believe it is necessary to follow couples for longer periods, through recurring deadlines such as rent, bills and salaries. Because worrying about an unexpected expense for a few days is one thing; spending months trying to figure out which payment to postpone is definitely another.
Then there is an aspect that would be unfair to ignore. Emotional support can help deal with a difficulty, but it does not eliminate the economic conditions that caused it. An insufficient salary continues to be insufficient even in the most close-knit couple in the world. And as reassuring as it may be to hear “I’m here”, the homeowner is unlikely to accept this declaration in lieu of rent.
Concrete solutions are needed, of course. The research results simply suggest that feeling understood could help prevent further emotional tensions from adding to economic difficulties. In short, rent must be paid anyway. The sermon on how the money should have been spent, however, can wait.
