There are people who wear you out more than a treadmill set to hill. They don’t argue: they drag you down. And you, in the meantime, try to “explain yourself”, to “make yourself understood”, to “sort things out”. Spoiler: it doesn’t work. With those with low emotional intelligence, any attempt at reasonableness is like explaining the plot of Inception to a cactus.
According to the study by David J. Hughes and Thomas Rhys Evans of the University of Manchester and Coventry, emotional intelligence is not a magical gift, but a mix of cognitive abilities, personality traits and the ability to regulate what you feel. When these elements do not communicate with each other, the person does not really “feel”. He reacts. It’s confusing. He defends himself. So here’s what never to do when you find yourself faced with those who live in this silent disorder.
Thinking that he understands glances, suggestions or implicit messages
With those with low emotional intelligence, indirect communication is a mistake. A gesture, a sigh or a look that is clear to you means nothing to him. He doesn’t interpret, he doesn’t connect, he doesn’t read between the lines. Those who have not developed emotional skills struggle to decipher non-verbal signals and subtle tones. Better to speak explicitly and directly, without allusions. Clarity doesn’t take away the depth of the message, it just makes it accessible.
Raise your voice
Those who do not know how to manage their emotions perceive anger as a threat. When you get exasperated, he doesn’t listen to you. High volume erases the content, only the sound remains. Calm, on the other hand, communicates authority. It is the simplest form of silent power: it doesn’t hurt, but it sets boundaries.
Expect him to handle stress, emotional reactions, or sudden changes well
The hardest point to accept is this: you cannot expect emotional intelligence from someone who has never developed it. Emotional stability requires an internal regulation capacity that those with low EQ often do not possess. When criticism or an unexpected event arrives, he reacts instinctively. It closes, shakes, or explodes.
A recent study highlighted that people with low emotional intelligence are more exposed to stress, anxiety and relational difficulties. It is therefore useful not to involve them in high-tension contexts or in situations that require immediate balance. Better to prepare the ground, anticipate changes and communicate calmly.
Ignore the need for clear limits and precise communication boundaries
People with low emotional intelligence often cross boundaries without realizing it. They don’t do it out of malice, but because they don’t perceive when a word hurts or a gesture would invade a private space. In these interactions, limits must be explicit: what is acceptable and what is not, what behaviors are not tolerated. Relying on “it will figure out on its own” is useless. We need clarity. Say it simply, even at the risk of seeming rigid. Coherence, in these cases, is worth more than diplomacy.
Accept provocations
Emotionally immature people often provoke to feel in control. They push you to react, to get out of balance. Every time you do this, you lose your center. Remaining calm, however, is surprising. Silence is a powerful language: it interrupts the spiral of conflict and restores power to those who know how to manage it.
Trying to make the other person change as if it were a project
Those with low emotional intelligence are not always aware of their difficulties. Often he doesn’t know that he doesn’t know. Wanting to “fix” or “educate” it only leads to frustration. Emotional change is not imposed from the outside, it is built inside. You can encourage it by example, but you can’t speed it up. Better to recognize the limits and accept that some aspects will remain unchanged. Changing the way you react is more effective than trying to change someone else.
Underestimating the importance of your emotional well-being and detachment
Relating to those who don’t manage their emotions can be tiring. We often find ourselves compensating, carrying the emotional weight of the dialogue, translating words and silences. It is essential to protect your energy. Establish breaks, take space, decide when not to be available. Detachment, in some cases, is a form of emotional hygiene. It’s not coldness: it’s self-respect.
Try to explain yourself a thousand times
The first instinct is “maybe I didn’t explain myself well”. Then try it. Rephrase. Change your tone. Give examples. You climb on the glasses of empathy. Those who do not understand emotional language only listen to the words, but not the emotions that accompany them.
You speak, he defends himself. You clarify, he gets confused. The study by Hughes and Evans explains that emotional understanding arises from the integration of thought, personality and self-regulation.
If one of these elements is missing, the message does not arrive. Repeating is useless. In practice, it’s not that he doesn’t understand you: he simply doesn’t understand what you mean on an emotional level. Saying less, in a calm and firm tone, is often the most effective strategy.
Make him feel ashamed
Shame doesn’t educate, it paralyzes. Confronting someone with their shortcomings may seem useful, but for those with poor emotional awareness it is devastating. It doesn’t generate growth, it generates defense. Calm, on the other hand, opens up spaces. The example remains more incisive than any lesson.
Expect maturity from those who haven’t built it yet
Emotional maturity doesn’t come with age, it comes with awareness. The study by Hughes and Evans shows that emotional intelligence arises from the integration of mind, character and the ability to regulate emotions. Those who have not yet developed this integration remain trapped in impulsive reactions. There’s no need to demand, you need to recognize. Accepting the limits of others is the first step in protecting your own.
Calm is power
Staying calm doesn’t mean being cold. It means choosing your own direction without letting yourself be dragged into the emotional chaos of others. Emotional intelligence, as Hughes and Evans explain, is the ability to regulate and integrate what you feel. And sometimes, the highest balance is not reacting.
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