There is one aspect that is more disturbing than others in the desolate story of the Facebook group “My wife”, populated by over 32,000 users who share intimate photos of partners, sisters and friends, transformed into sexual objects, in most cases without their knowledge.
As emerged from the investigations, there would also be a woman among the administrators of the group. And this scandalizes and triggers ironic comments. “And the silent feminists” writes someone commenting on the news. But this fact shouldn’t be so shocking: a woman as administrator of a frighteningly sexist group forces us to face an uncomfortable truth: sexism and patriarchy are not models supported exclusively by men, but women can also be complicit in them and fuel them.
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The case of the “My wife” group
As you will remember, the scandal broke out last August, when the existence of the Facebook group came to light, full of photos of women, sexualised or the target of insipid comments. A disconcerting discovery that has raised a fuss of controversy and given rise to numerous complaints. Meta’s reaction was almost immediate, closing it for “violation of our policies against the sexual exploitation of adults”, explaining that it does not allow “content that threatens or promotes sexual violence, sexual abuse or sexual exploitation on our platforms”.
On the group, thousands of users – of all socioeconomic statuses – published and commented on shots of women, often in intimate moments: in costume, while sleeping, in underwear. And there were also those who commented with phrases that praised rape, as if nothing had happened.
Patriarchy as a culture, not as a gender
We have a habit of identifying patriarchy with a male face. A convenient mistake, which allows us to easily divide executioners and victims. But the reality is decidedly more complex. This is not a war of men against women. Patriarchy is first of all a mentality, a system of distorted values that reduces the female body to an object and considers women tamable. And cultures, when they are deep and rooted, can be internalized by anyone, starting for example from mothers who pass them on to their children.
Yes, it hurts to say it, but it must be said: some women – even those who suffer the consequences – can become complicit in the same logic that oppresses them. Thinking that the problem is exclusively men risks transforming the battle against violence into a contrast between the male and female world, rather than into a fight against a system in which we are all immersed.
The real scandal is therefore not that there was a woman among the administrators of the group, but that for many people it is legitimate and even fun to violate the privacy of others without consent and share it to entertain and give vent to their impulses. And once that group is closed, this dynamic continues to perpetuate itself in Telegram chats and encrypted channels.
Slogans are not enough: we need a paradigm shift
The indignation and the closure of the groups are not enough to stop the problem. First of all, a paradigm shift is needed. We must start from sexual-affective education (the one that our government is opposing in schools) and respect for consent as an inviolable right of every person. We need to promote true digital responsibility to make people aware that what is shared online does not remain confined to the screen, but can mark someone’s life in a concrete and permanent way, sometimes leading to tragic consequences.
A shared awareness is needed: there is no need to point a finger at a gender, but to defuse together a system that legitimizes abuse. Otherwise we fight the effect, not the cause. And above all, we need the ability to question what is considered normal just because we are used to it.
