A dinner with friends, an unfortunate joke and two people who react completely differently. One stiffens, the other laughs. On the way home the inevitable arrives: “Why, didn’t you hear what he said?”. “Yes, so what?”. And maybe they are two people who listen to the same music, love the same films and think the same about many things. Yet, sitting at the same table, they seem to have participated in two different evenings. New research has examined this difference, observing that feeling on the same wavelength as your partner is associated with greater romantic satisfaction, regardless of how similar your respective characters are perceived to be.
The study, published in Journal of Social and Personal Relationshipswas hosted by Rachael M. Cavallaro, Tiffany George and Grace N. Rivera. The researchers initially involved 204 people in a romantic relationship. Of these, 162 also participated in the next phase, compiling daily diaries for a total of 850 records. An interesting association emerges from the responses: those who reported sharing their internal experiences more frequently with their partner also tended to feel more understood and satisfied with the relationship.
Having the same tastes and feeling on the same wavelength
To understand the difference we need to distinguish two concepts used in social psychology, called Me-sharing and I-sharing. Not very romantic names to describe two experiences that we have probably all had at least once. The Me-sharing it’s about the similarities we recognize between ourselves and another person. We can have similar characters, share certain values or recognize ourselves in the same ways of reacting to situations. In the study, the researchers focused mainly on the perceived similarity between personality traits, something more specific than simply having common interests. THE’I-sharing instead it concerns the sensation that another person is having a subjective experience similar to ours.
Let’s think of a couple queuing at the supermarket. A customer starts to get angry at the cashier for something trivial. The two exchange a look, hold the same grimace and, at least for an instant, have the sensation of having experienced the same annoyance. Neither of them needs to comment on the scene. Or they may have completely opposite tastes in cinema and both find themselves moved by the same scene in a film. It’s that particular feeling of understanding that comes before you even find the words to tell it.
This phenomenon had already been explored in depth in a 2006 research led by the psychologist Elizabeth Pinel. However, there is an important detail: no one can know for sure whether two people have experienced exactly the same emotion. I-sharing is about the perception of this sharing. We can feel perfectly in tune with someone even when, in their head, something different is happening. In short, believing that we understood each other does not guarantee that it actually happened that way.
Those who feel understood report a more satisfying relationship
The researchers tried to understand how much this feeling mattered in the daily lives of the people involved. After the initial questionnaire, participants recorded their experiences through daily diaries, allowing them to examine how perceptions of the relationship varied from day to day. The questions concerned various aspects: sentimental satisfaction, the sense of fulfillment in the relationship, the perception that the partner knows one’s most authentic side and the frequency of thoughtful gestures addressed to the loved one.
The results showed positive associations in all these areas. Those who reported I-sharing experiences more frequently tended to describe a more satisfying and fulfilling relationship, to feel more known by their partner and to report more caring behaviors towards them. These associations remained present even when the researchers took into account Me-sharing, i.e. the perceived similarity between the partners’ personalities.
Let’s think of two people facing a particularly difficult day. One loses patience, the other reacts more calmly. They have different characters and will probably continue to have them. But if both recognize the same discomfort in front of what happened, they can have the feeling of having shared something important.
On the contrary, two very similar people can react to the same situation in such different ways that they feel like strangers for a few moments. Maybe one returns home mortified by an argument about work and the other, after listening to the story, comments with a reassuring but not very welcome “Come on, nothing happened”. Of course, good intentions can all be there. The feeling of having been understood, a little less.
Research suggests that feeling connected adds a dimension to the perceived quality of the relationship, in addition to character affinities. It does not establish, however, that I-sharing is more important than compatibility. It shows that its association with sentimental satisfaction remains present even when considering the latter.
Feeling known is different from actually being known
The relationship between shared experiences and the feeling of being known by the partner had already emerged in a previous 2019 research, also authored by Grace N. Rivera. The authors observed that perceiving shared subjective experiences was associated with romantic satisfaction and the feeling that the partner knows one’s true self.
The new study adds an everyday dimension to this observation. People may feel particularly connected to their partner at some times and less so at others. Your relationship assessment can also change from one day to the next. However, we must pay attention to what was actually measured. The researchers collected the participants’ perceptions through questionnaires and diaries, without checking to what extent their respective partners were actually capable of recognizing the other person’s thoughts, emotions and personal characteristics.
Feeling known, therefore, does not guarantee that you really are known. We can be convinced that someone understands us perfectly and discover, perhaps during a discussion, that they had interpreted everything in their own way. Caring behaviors were also detected through participants’ responses, without directly observing them.
Then there is the most important limitation: the study identifies associations, without demonstrating a cause and effect relationship. It could be the feeling of sharing experiences that promotes sentimental satisfaction, or it could be people who are already satisfied with their relationship who recognize these moments of harmony more easily. The two possibilities can also coexist.
The results, therefore, do not provide a new recipe for the perfect couple nor do they suggest looking for someone with whom you can always agree. After all, sharing an emotion does not necessarily mean having the same opinion on everything. The research shows something more limited: in the relationships examined, the perception of living shared subjective experiences was accompanied by greater satisfaction, even taking into account character similarities.
Knowing your partner’s tastes, after all, is relatively simple. We can learn by heart what he likes to eat, what music he listens to and what films he hates. But knowing that he hates romantic comedies is of little use when he comes home after a terrible day and just wants to feel understood. Maybe without having to explain for the third time why it was a terrible day.
